The Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists looked to the past for this one just to prove our psychical prowess. Our spiritual sources D.A.R.E. you to disagree with us.
Aries
The captain of like, all of the teams and after-school clubs. It was written into your stars that you would be super successful. Such a shame you had to waste all that potential on that pyramid scheme that ‘real legit-looking company’ on insta told you would be your foolproof route to wealth beyond your imagination. Idiot.
Taurus
According to our tea leaf sources, you were a total nerd who somehow owned six swords, two floor-length leather jackets and subscribed to Ultimate Guitar magazine. “Uh, SOMEHOW owned six swords? I don’t SOMEHOW own them. I got them at a convention!” we hear you say. Shut up.
Gemini
Just because you claimed you were popular didn’t make you popular. We claim we are a Pulitzer winning publication! Nope, still the Grapevine.
Cancer
You definitely disappeared for a few years and then came back like nothing happened with a few new scars. 13 Reasons sigh, are we right?
Leo
A theatre kid who thought she was more. Just because you were cast as Grizabella that one time does not mean you were born for the stage. You were just the best of a bad bunch. Get over yourself.
Virgo
The girl who believed she was the protagonist in everyone else’s story but in reality just spent too much time on Tumblr. The only thing special about you was your weirdly good Supernatural fanfiction.
Libra
Overachiever. Like, serious overachiever. That said, the stars are unclear as to whether or not you were one of those overachievers who actually did a ton of work or one of those really annoying ones who did absolutely shit all and still got straight As. If you were one of them, we hate you.
Scorpio
Everyone knew your name… but no one ever saw your face because you were too busy smoking weed and shagging behind the bike shed to actually turn up to class. Ever. And where did that get you? Three kids before 20 and almost every STI in existence? Good for you.
Sagittarius
So you masturbated one time with a test tube in science class? Does that mean the rest of your life should be defined by that? Well, apparently everyone in your year thought so.
Capricorn
A half school shooter/half fantasy nerd. Don’t come to Hogwarts tomorrow, guys.
Aquarius
Kawaii AF. Hello Kitty was your Goddess and Ash from Pokémon was your boyfriend. They told you it was just a phase. But it wasn’t, was it Aquarius? It wasn’t.
Pisces
Sports kid. Now a suburban Mom.
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