Words by

Hannah Jane Cohen and Lea Müller

In Horror-Scopes, Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like what Mercury’s up to.

Aries
Treat yourself! Brunch at the Laundromat is on us. Just kidding, you’re paying.

Taurus
You finish the Dark Tower series and the ridiculous ending promptly sends you into a nervous breakdown. Don’t worry, we’ve been there. Just remember: Ka is a friend to good as well as evil. Embrace the stupidity.

Gemini
On the street, you run into the infamous naked-man-in-a-box Almar Atlason. He gives you a piece of saltfiskur and asks you to fuck off. This is as close as you’ll ever come to fame, so treasure it.

Cancer
Liking Lana Del Rey’s new album is not a personality trait, but it might mean you have to tackle your Daddy issues and depression.

Leo
Take your S.O. on a romantic getaway to Húsavík. Whales are a surefire aphrodisiac.

Virgo
You’re too happy. Read ‘Atonement’ to dull yourself down.

Libra
The East of Iceland is an untamed getaway for those looking for mysterious ventures. Rent a van and “find yourself.” What does that mean? We don’t exactly know, but our crystal balls say it involves lots of stargazing, flat tires, and making out with other hippies. Avoid Scorpios.

Scorpio
All of your friends have a group chat without you.

Sagittarius
Horses run for fame but donkeys are the ones to achieve it. Consider this in all business decisions.

Capricorn
You’ll be setting a new trend by wearing a pink vagina hat. Congratulations, not even Björk was able to do that.

Aquarius
It’s never too late to take out your Kony 2012 action pack and SAVE THE WORLD.

Pisces
If you’re a boss, give all your employees a raise! They deserve it. It’s not like the publisher of the Grapevine is a Pisces, though. That would be totally unethical for us to write.

Want a detailed Horror-Scope reading? Tweet us your moon sign, blood type and current distance from Gullfoss and we’ll do our best to get back to you. Read more Horror-Scopes here.