In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur single astrologists break down your upcoming weeks based on shit like Venus, the home “planet” of womankind.
Aries
Just because someone gets your name tattooed on them doesn’t mean they actually love you. They might just be, ahem, weird.
Taurus
The reason you’re currently single is no doubt due to the fact that you were #TeamJacob when you should have obvs been #TeamEdward. We know, we know, “There’s nothing romantic about an 117 year old hanging around outside the window of a 17 year old!” Shut up, and there’s something loving about “imprinting” on a “baby”? GROSS!
Gemini
POV: you show off your TikTok account to your date. Seal the deal.
Cancer
Next time you have sex, get a lil weird and pump ‘St. Anger’ by Metallica. He’ll love it.
Leo
“Hit or miss! I guess ya never miss yeah! Got a boyfriend? I bet he doesn’t kiss ya!” This is just an example of cool things you could do on the internet that’ll no doubt get you famous. And you know what that means? Chicks with Daddy issues.
Virgo
That guy your momma warned you about: Guess what, she’s wrong! Duh. Go get ‘em tiger. Chronic commitment issues, a history of cheating and slight body odour problems are just part of their unique charm.
Libra
So what if you die alone? What’s so bad about lying undiscovered in your cramped downtown studio apartment surrounded by wilting pot plants and empty Ben and Jerry’s tubs until your starving family of seven cats resort to nibbling at your corpse?
Scorpio
Standing outside your crush’s house holding a boombox above your head is the only way to catch their attention. Even better if they barely know you. Nothing says romance like trespassing on private property and mild invasion of privacy. Don’t believe us? See Taurus above. Boundaries? What boundaries.
Sagittarius
Yes, you were right all along. You’re a nice guy and that’s why you’re hopelessly single—it’s got nothing to do with the fact you still live in your parents’ basement or that you unselfconsciously enjoy Hootie & The Blowfish. Sorry bud, we just prefer a bad boy.
Capricorn
PSA: ‘You’ is probably not the best show to model your romantic endeavours on. Just putting it out there.
Aquarius
“No, I don’t want to meet you nowhere. No, I don’t want none of your time and no, I don’t want no scrub. A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me.” Take the hint, kid. It’s an anthem for a reason.
Pisces
Keep trying?
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