Words by

Jess Distill

Photo by

Adobe Stock

You asked. We answered. Reminder: You asked. We did not ask. You are the weirdo. 

I’m a middle-aged white man in a position of power. Why do I still feel like a victim?

You are a victim…because you’re a man. And you’re white. Congratulations on reaching a position of power though, that’s quite the achievement. You must be super sexy, right? Good for you. Just remember: You’re probably very good at your job, but you’re a man, so your skill will never be acknowledged. You’re going to have to work far harder than your female counterparts but you’ll never get the praise, promotions, respect or pay that they do. It’s a generations-old problem and it’s deeply unfair. But now is the time for change, my male friend. It’s time for revolution. For you and your downtrodden man pals to rise up, like the strong, beautiful Kings that you are. Claim your power! The future is male! Down with the matriarchy!

I think I might be a secret government asset being used as surveillance. What should I do?

Firstly, let it be known that I have done nothing wrong. Secondly, If there was ever a time to be watched closely by the government, it’s now. With pandemic restrictions in place, you either have to wear a mask or stay indoors. So it should be pretty easy to hide away and not speak to anyone. No one will question your motives. They’ll assume you’re being diligent in your civic duty. So just stay indoors, keep your mouth shut and don’t tell anyone we had this conversation.

Why am I like this?

Why ARE you like this? Why am I like this? Why are any of us like this? Honestly, this is the one question I cannot answer. I’ve racked my brain, drafted and re-drafted a response and still, I cannot think of a conclusive answer. You’ve done it. I’m finally stumped.

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